Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I am what I am

My attempt to be hard core and prove to myself that I can do anything I set my mind too, has failed. I am a lady, a delicate and fragile creature that can only dream of being a tough warrior of strength and physical perfection. I don't know why this was a goal of mine. I admire and envy the strength, courage, and sheer force that exists in these men. Maybe the independent streak in me needed to prove I could do it. I never deployed myself during my Army time and I regret that. This trip to Kuwait was my version of a deployment. This suffering was my test of fortitude. I wanted to be able to say that I have been there, done that. I have found some combat veterans that shared some of their stories from Iraq and Kosovo with me. The bravery, fortitude and adaptibility are just amazing. It's hard to imagine without being there but my extreme ability for empathy allows me to feel their stories when they tell them to me. This circus I live in now is no where near what they went through and I'm not making it.

I am a suffering from heat exhaustion. The harsh conditions here have gotten me. Kuwaiti Krud got me. The crazy schedule has gotten me. It's has if work has set up the schedule and work to make you fail. We sit around at work and talk about how they try to set us up to fail. They only provide one meal in a 12.5 hour period and don't always allow breaks other than the half hour for lunch. I will tell you about my worst Monday ever in the next blog.

The funny thing is the response from my co-workers. They all see me as admin and as a lady. Ironicly, that is admirable to them. They don't understand why I wanted to be anything but that. My chill-axtion attitude worked for a while. I was one of the worker bees, bottom of the totem pole, suffering with the other manual labor. Despite my best efforts to blend in, to talk the talk, hang with the gang, and the southern accent I picked up, they all have seen me for what I am, even more than I see of myself. Almost everyone I talked to can't believe that I'm not in the office anymore and gave the customary "this is bull-shit" comment. You got to drag out the bull part. Only one person said something negative about me needing more training. The rest recognize that I was doing a good job and I belong in the office, not out in the field with the grunts. I had plenty of volunteers to sign my "bull-shit petition". LOL I didn't really start one but they said they would sign it!

The big boss told me last week that I would be back in the office when the new trailers come. the big big boss is almost done with 3 trailers, admin, sgt's and conference room. My big boss said he was going to put me in the Sgt's trailer, not even with admin! ha ha that would really piss them off. Supposably the trailers will be ready in a week or two but you know how things go. I also had my big boss talk to the big big boss about going to another department. I think that coversation happened because I saw the big big boss twice on Monday and he said he had a face to go with the name. But he's met 3 times already. Things that make you go.. hmmmm.

I have another friend that is supposed to drop my name to him this week too. He just got a job in another high profile security division and is highly regarded. I am going to call the big big boss too. I need out of the field. I just have to make it through August I keep telling myself. I think I have 6 sick days. One per week could make this more bearable. By September, the weather will be better. I will be stronger. I hope to have another job!

The other thing, I need to not be so proud. I need to play the feable card. The feable helpless females get put in other jobs. I have to tell them that I can't make it. I have to admit to myself that there are some things I can't do. I always have a positive attitude and get the job done. This is the first sign of weakness I have shown. I have been wearing my game face the rest of the time. You know I hate to get promoted or moved for the wrong reasons. But this isn't my world and my trusted advisors here tell me I need to play the game, work the system. Or the system will work me. (insert ominous music here)

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